Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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