Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
