you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just gargled with NyQuil
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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