put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
