sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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