he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
