i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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