i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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