If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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