White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
