I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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