I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you win again, gameday.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
