Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me they were just razor bumps!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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