Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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