I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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