I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
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