Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
