I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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