I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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