6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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