I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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