She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
