Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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