i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
