Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
