i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
