she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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