They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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