my phone needs a breathalizer
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
