she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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