at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
