I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
