He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
