I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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