Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
