my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
