just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
