Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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