just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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