Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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