i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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