your thong is hanging out like whoa
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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