Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
