Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So here I am, sexting at work.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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