By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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