So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
