Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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