I just pynch a tree in the face
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
