I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
