Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Randomize
