Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
