Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
