I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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