You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
