mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
