you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
