some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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