apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
